Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-07-29T00:04:51-04:00 2 daily to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face. You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know - I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean. You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily - it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind. It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you asshole! Run home!" and you did that, too! Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic. To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling - thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially - Chris, was it? - who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much. My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom. But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE. <ul> <li> Location: Mt. Pleasant <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T00:04:51-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m text Decapitated dolls http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/707239142.html My daughter likes to pull the heads off of dolls. The therapist says we should let her, so we do. We have lots of headless dolls. Some of their heads my be retreivable; most probably not. Free to a good home. <ul> <li> Location: Close-in Mont Co <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-04T10:54:21-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/707239142.html Decapitated dolls text Free Hillary Clinton Campaign Material http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/671432270.html Bumper stickers, yard sign, pins, mugs, folders, letterhead and a large banner. Won't be needing them. <ul> <li> Location: 16th and Penn <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-07T11:05:23-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/671432270.html Free Hillary Clinton Campaign Material text Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/630019049.html So, I've recently come to the realization that I possess a remarkable skill. I have the ability to reconnect women with ex-boyfriends that broke up with them. Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, that's pretty cool! How do you do that? I could make millions, or at least I could use that to trick women into sleeping with me!". Let me tell you, it sucks! The last three "girlfriends" I've had have all had their ex-boyfriends contact them shortly after starting to date me! It took about a month and a half after we began dating for the first girl's ex to reconnect with her. And I really liked her (and he is an abusive asshole, she deserves so much better). Man did that suck. With the second girl, it took about three and a half weeks for her guy to come back (he was supposed to have left the freaking country!). I really liked her too. The third girl, it took her ex literally two days to contact her after our first date (and they had been apart for over five years!). So, I appear to be getting better at this. Not only can I get you your boyfriend back within a few days, I can bring him back from incredibly unlikely circumstances. Have you been pining over an ex? Want him to give you a call? Perhaps he moved to Russia 12 years ago, got married, has 7 children, and you haven't heard from him since. No problem! One dinner and a movie with me and he'll likely be waiting on your doorstep when I drop you off. Now, I haven't had a chance to properly test this, but I suspect that my skill works much better if we sleep together. Now, this might not be absolutely necessary, but you do really want to see your ex again right? Why risk it. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Herndon <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-04T11:52:15-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/630019049.html Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help. text Three Amazing PHP/MySQL/Perl Developers Now Available - Story http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/620559733.html Yesterday I had to do one of the more difficult things -- lay off three of my good friends, all of whom are talented and professional developers. I'm posting here today in hopes that someone out in the world is looking for some seasoned talent, people who can get things done for you. I will personally recommend all three of these guys, and I'll detail below each of them. If you are interested, I'm including my phone number. I'll take your contact information and give it to the person(s) you are interested in, and you can take it from there. <div style="border:1px solid red; background-color:#fee; color:#f00; padding:5px;"> PLEASE NOTE: Developer #1 and 2 are based in Herndon, VA, and are looking primarily for either work nearby, or for telecommuting/remote work. They haven't commuted in a while, and they may not survive a long commute. Developer #3 is in Colorado, and is looking mostly for remote work, unless you happen to be in Colorado. </div> Here goes. Developer #1 I've worked with Developer #1 since 2005. He's worked for Fortune 500 companies and small startups. His strengths are conceptualizing and implementing complex systems using PHP and MySQL. These systems are not limited to the web, however the web is where most of his work has been for the last few years. During his employment with me, he: * Designed a complex billing system, complete with audit trails * Developed a site-wide internationalization system, allowing us to easily translate any phrase on the system to a different language * Designed and successfully implemented several difficult projects based on half-way decent specifications documents (my fault) Developer #1 is the guy you want to lead your development team. He will take a project and run with it, and it will come out better than you had hoped. He'll find the fatal flaws in your specifications, either propose a change or work around them as appropriate, and do it in an extensible way that will save you time in the future. He really is the cream of the crop. Most of his work has been PHP and MySQL, though he has done a lot with Perl. He is strongly drawn to big challenges and tough assignments, and attacks them with tenacity. Don't ask him to build you a 5 page website. He'll fall asleep. Hire him to build you a gigantic web application that supports tens of thousands of customers. <hr> Developer #2 Don't let his shy persona fool you. He's a geek, the kind of geek you'd expect to see waiting in line for Star Wars tickets or an Xbox 360 at Target. And behind his quiet demeanor the guy can code. You would put him in a basement and slide pizza and mountain dew (or Tilt, depending on office policy) under the door, and he'd keep cranking out code you never thought was possible. Sure, you'll want to give him specific details on what he's building, what it should look like, how you want it to work. But once you do that and hand it off, you get something better than you expected. I've always been pleased with the functionality and quality of the work he has done for me. Developer #2 is the guy you need if you already have a lead developer and he needs a code monkey who can get code out that works the first time. PHP and MySQL are his strengths, but I've been impressed with his JavaScript and AJAX/Web 2.0 abilities as well. Cross-browser code is tested and working without need to mention it. He's a joy to have on your team. <hr> Developer #3 It's tough to describe him. He's the guy you want running your development team, managing a bunch of coders. He's the guy who will listen to what you need and write up the specs. He's the guy that, if you don't have a team of coders, will write you code that will read like poetry and run like the wind. He's obsessed with performance, code reuse, contributing the the Open Source community, and always exploring different ways to improve his own coding abilities in different languages and methodologies. He's got more O'Reilly books than you, and has read and comprehended them better than you. No offense. He's not one to blast out messy code that barely works. If you need a huge project done in a day, he'll tell you if it can be done, or how it can be done with some changes, and you should listen. He knows his stuff. Though his strong suit at the moment is Perl and MySQL, the guy can do PHP, Ruby, Python and probably whatever other language you want to throw at him. He'll tell you what he likes and dislikes about all of the languages. And usually, you can't argue with his position -- it's well thought out and often right. He'll still code in your language though. He's a heavyweight, and he's based in the Rocky Mountains. He works remotely, unless you happen to be looking for someone in the Rocky Mountains. He's willing to do contract work hourly, or take on a full time job. Whatever the project, he won't disappoint. Unless you have unrealistic expectations, but then who won't disappoint? :-) <hr> I can't recommend these three guys more highly. It kills me to have to let them go, but they are also extremely talented and I want them to get swooped up by a company who will appreciate their talents and strengths, treat them with respect, and buy them lunch every now and then. Interested? I'm not surprised. Call 866-925-3430. I'll answer any questions you might have, and if you are still interested, I'll put them in touch with you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Herndon, VA <li> Telecommuting is ok. <li> OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. <li> Phone calls about this job are ok. <li> Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-27T12:22:20-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/620559733.html Three Amazing PHP/MySQL/Perl Developers Now Available - Story text my casual encounters experience http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/511664762.html OMG, I can't believe I'm posting in CE. I need to feel a man's body against mine. I'm feeling adventurous. I can sit in the comfort of my own apartment, in my decidedly not sexy saggy-ass pajamas, and pick a hot young stud to come over and sex me up. Hooray for the internet, thank you Craig, let's get it on. 268 emails in the course of 24 hours. WHOA. There's the guy who asked if I can wear rainboots while we get it on (???), the guy who is old enough to be my dad and sent me a picture of himself in leather assless chaps (I double-checked to make sure I didn't post in M4M by accident after that), and the desperate 19 year-old who is a virgin but thinks I'd be "perfect" for his first time. I am re-thinking my decision not to go to the bars this weekend. No no, I must be strong, keep the faith. I feel that dick is not far away, I must persist. I pick you. You look relatively normal. Your email was funny, not too long, not generic. I toss my fate into the wind and see where it will take me. We exchange pictures. I wonder if that picture of your dick was taken at that angle to make it look bigger? Hmm. Yeah, that picture of me? Well, I sifted through the 200 most recent photos of me and picked the most flattering one. Heh. We meet up. You look about 5 years older than you do in your picture. That's okay, because I weigh about 10 pounds more now than I did in that picture I sent. But hey, guess what? I'm wearing sexy lingerie. And you're a man, with a penis, I've already screened you, spent two days trading witty emails back and forth with you, and goddammit, I'm gonna fuck you. That's just how it is. I'm too horny to go back now. After a couple of drinks, it's clear that it's time to do something next. Because it's not polite to tell someone you want their dick inside of you as soon as possible, when you suggest we head to dinner, I agree. This feels like a date. I didn't want a date. I want sex. Okay, pseudo-date continues. Fine. I still want your dick in me, as soon as possible. We head back to my place. FINALLY. We make out for a little bit. Did you forget to shave this morning? That "soul patch" you have? First of all, it's really circa 1992. Secondly, it's giving me stubble-burn. I'm going to have a stupid-ass looking soul patch stubble burn mark tomorrow. Fuck. I keep kissing you because like I said, I want your dick inside of me as soon as possible. Ha ha, you're wearing "Vote for Pedro" boxers. I forgive you for the soul patch. Actually, I think "Pedro" might be voting for me right now :) Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral. UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems. Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough. You slip on a condom, and start the old "hump and grunt." You hump. You grunt. I'm not sure, but my bed might have just become a time machine, and I think we're back in 1998, because this is how boys fucked in high school. How old are you again? I start thinking about going to the store tomorrow. I think I'm out of cereal. Should I get some more of those pasta things? Maybe I'll try the pesto kind this time. The hump and grunt continues. What? You're about to cum? That's nice. Thanks for letting me know. Go right ahead. I'm glad at least you had fun. You pass out afterwards, and start to snore. I lie there, thinking. I'm totaling up my investment on this little CE situation we have going here: box of condoms, the good kind: $13 sexy new sweater that I wore: $39 cost of the load of laundry that I will do tomorrow, after your hairy ass gets out of my bed: $3.50 ... and, the non-monetary yet incredibly important contribution of my time, which could have been better spent, oh, I don't know, washing my hair or prepping my tax return: roughly 7 hours (three hours of email + four hours of pseudo date + bad sex) .....Learning why I should stop browsing casual encounters and just use my vibrator instead: PRICELESS.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: an economic analysis <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-17T01:00:38-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/511664762.html my casual encounters experience text To the girl who stole my girlfriend - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/507893626.html I know it's strange, but I can't get you out of my mind. I don't even know your name -- to me you are just the woman my Justine first referred to as "my new project partner at work." Little did I know that your forbidden love would blossom, and that I would be left empty-handed. The thing is, secret lesbian girlfriend-stealer, it's you I miss, and not Justine. Though I've never seen your face, Justine's description the night we broke up has lingered in my mind. "She snuggles close to me, her long black hair spilling over my skin. She is so tender with her kisses. She knows nipple play." Those fateful words have haunted me ever since. Why can't I have a woman whose long hair -- black or perhaps auburn or even blond -- spills across my needful skin? Why can't I have my nipples tenderly kissed? And when I think these things, gentle mysterious lesbian lover, I think of you. By now you've probably realized that Justine is a needy, critical bitch who only goes down on you for the first few weeks. You're probably on the prowl again, you hungry little temptress. I can only hope that you'll read CL, and see past my penis, to the fact that, digging women, I am in effect a lesbian myself. I hope we can connect. My nipples and I await your email.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: DC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-13T08:04:34-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/507893626.html To the girl who stole my girlfriend - m4w text I have a mastiff with a problem--I fear for my life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/505190510.html I have a male Cane Corso/English Mastiff who we will call "Petey" (this could damage his reputation). He will be 2 in March and, at 140 lbs, is still growing. He's the best dog in the world--friendly, energetic (yet will take naps with me, his sleep-deprived mom), and he loves his brother, a Chihuahua. He's never chewed on anything that I own (which is good, because I think he could fit my entire dresser in his mouth. Including the lamp.) But, we do have a serious problem. Petey is...flatulent. To an extreme degree. Now, I know a lot of you out there are saying, "Hey, my dog (husband/boyfriend) farts all the time, so what's the problem?" I don't know how to explain it, but the best way to describe Petey's gaseous expulsions is with this word: "heavy". Like a dense fog settling on the mountains, Petey's farts will settle in the lower 3' of the room--about the altitude I inhabit while asleep. Thus, I fear that he may kill me (accidentally, I hope) in my sleep. Let me explain how the routine (when you go through this about 100 times a day, you make a routine) works: -I'm in bed, innocently typing on the computer when I hear it: "FFFWWWWWPPPPPP" -I look over at Petey, who was asleep next to my bed, and he is now fixated on his butt, with a look of confusion and wonder ("What was that!? Where did it go?"). -Petey looks up at me (no doubt wondering if I saw the little creature that he thinks ran out of his butt while he wasn't looking), and, after taking in my terrified gaze, thinks that he has done something HORRIFYING and he must move away from me before I yell at him. -Petey jumps to his feet as I throw my comforter over my head to prevent my eyes from watering due to the noxious gas. In his attempt to slink out of the room unnoticed, he has shaken his intestines, which, in response, proceed to expel gas with his every step. In his mind, lots of little butt-dwelling critters are escaping, foiling his stealthy exit. I have yet to break it to him that he isn't stealthy at all, with or without the butt-dwelling critters. -Hearing him exit the room, I crack the window behind my bed and shove my head out. 3 minutes later, I am in the clear. I shut the window and continue on with my work--shaken, but alive. (At times I will get up to find him in another room, intently staring at his butt in hopes of catching one of those pesky critters.) I live in fear. These are SO BAD that I actually wake up in the middle of the night. Please, does anyone have any sort of home remedy? I've changed his food, stopped giving him rawhide, tried to eliminate tasty treats that I know cause gas in humans (cheese, anyone?)--everything I can think of, but my life is still on the line! I am a student, so money is tight, please keep this in mind! Thanks!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Fredericksburg <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-10T18:43:53-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/505190510.html I have a mastiff with a problem--I fear for my life text CL Lingo: A self-help guide for the newbies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/398884133.html I am not nearly the veteran as some of the people here, but I am proud to say that I have gotten a few friends hooked. Now we can all bask in the addiction that is Craigs. Initially I had some problems. CL is a different culture, a different world, a community rather, and in order to decrease frustration and understand that it is not what you see in the normal world, here are some basic explanations, pointers and tips when browsing CL. These are tips for all personal forums, as I browse them all due to curiosity, do not judge me, because I know you do it too. Also, feel free to add to the list! Acronyms (everyones favorite shortcut and means of deception for newcomers) -NSA no strings attached, basically means, lets just fuck -HWP- height/weight proportion, really means I do not work out, Im out of shape, but not morbidly obese, there is no tire around the belly, took me forever to figure that out. I never understood it either, it's just a clever way to say you are not a beach whale...yet -DDF drug disease free, this is a standard acronym with no real meaning, as probably more than 50% of the people that put it are lying -FWB friends with benefits, not really, see NSA -JO jerk off, I just learned that today, crazy shit huh -BBW big beautiful women, big black women, I think its interchangeable, I dont know Real meanings (please, not bashing anyone here, Im just hip to the lingo now, and I applaud you people for your creativity) -Fit/athletic no muscles definition to speak of, this really means average, and not obese (there are muscles on here, but they are few and far between) -Average this really means fat, because over 60% of the country is overweight, so that makes overweight people the norm therefore, they are average -Thick but in the right places again, this means overweight -Thick but I hold it well I really dont get this. I suppose it means they wear clothes that fit them and nothing hangs over -Curvy againyou see the trend right -Cute this means I will not make you scream when you see my face -Attractive - this is a step above cute Favorite sayings/insults: -Asshat -Fucktard -Flame away -Poppers (I have no clue what this/these are, and I do not think I want to know) -Smooth bottom - (bear with me...a common saying in the M4M, it means male takes it in the ass) -Top - another saying in the m4m section, it means a man gives it in the ass Other helpful tips: -Please be careful if you browse M4M, it can be quite traumatizing. DO NOT click on the ads with pictures unless you have a strong gut and like that sort of thing. Also, a lot of the ads are written in code, I didn't understand a damn thing when I first clicked on it. Fascinating, but scary. -You will run into the same CLers over and over, there are not as many people on here as you may think, be careful, take precautions, have more than one email address -When posting in the personals, be sure to put what you DONT want, but it doesnt matter anyways, cause some ass is going to break the rules and take a chance -If you prefer the a different race, be prepared for some hate mail, or whiney bastards that have too much time on their hands and arent getting any loving, so their joy in life comes from trashing you cause you like to think outside the box -Most of the women in W4W are not real lesbians, they are bi, bi-curious, or freaky -The men in M4M will scare you, I cannot stress this enough. 99% of the people there are looking for sex only, makes me feel sorry for the gay males that are seeking real relationships, they most likely wont find them here -Never declare anything to a 100% certainty, there will always be someone to dispute, argue your opinion, and then call you an idiot for having it -Best of is funny as hell and is what CL should really be about -There are a lot of old, married, unhappy people on CL, that probably makes up the majority of posters, its sad -CL is not for the weak of heart or mind. Think of the posters as you would a bitchy irritating mother-in-law. They always have something negative to say, they always challenge your thoughts, and you are never good enough -Be prepared to become more negative, racist, sexist, close minded, pessimistic, irritable, cranky, as you continue to read CL and post. In the beginning, you will be nice, genuine, and have a real desire to offer good sound solid advice. You will care about your fellow reader and want to help them with your lousy 2 cents. The more you read others posts and get replies to your own, the more bitter and hateful your posts will become. You will find yourself calling a person a fucking idiotic loser with a 3rd grade education that should commit suicide if they do not know the molecular structure of the chemicals in pesticide, because as you read CL, you will know everything, they will know nothing -This is an anonymous board, just because someone says they are white, black, male, female, human, 24, 30, fit, athletic, God, a hot chic, a porn star, richdoes not mean that any of this is true, it probably isnt. (Dont let a posted picture throw you off either) -Do not believe a word you read on here, for the most part, use your best judgment, while you still have it. The longer you read this, the less good judgment you will possess -Use correct grammar and spelling, I recommend typing in word, or getting foxfire with spell check before you send. If you do not, you will get a new hole for it -If you repeatedly see the same posts of an attractive guy or girl with a one sentence tag line, it probably isnt real, do not respond, or you will get spammed -You will long to have a missed connection written about yourself, the odds that someone that sees you in the street reads CL as well, is pretty small -You will get addicted, its inevitable. You may think you can break the addiction, but its very very hard. You will want to know what these crazy fucks in DC are saying everyday. You will begin to post yourself, you will try to come up with creative, quirky, witty posts that amuse people (shut up, this isnt one of them), you may even post in the personals ad to see what kind of feedback you get. In any case, you will get hooked. Just be glad you werent on CL the day it went out for a whole fucking night. I know my fellow CLers were shitting themselves obsessively checking the computer, cursing the techs and wandering around not knowing what to do with their nights. Some were even forced to spend time with the family they neglect due to the time they spend on this site. Lucky for me, I am single and without child, so I decided to masturbate -You are more vile, cruel and inhumane than you think, it just takes a little CL time to bring it out -Try not to get mad about the BS you read here, you will grow a thick skin after awhile, so dont let the fools ruin your experience I know I left out a lot, but this is already a long ass post, I completely violated the rule with this one (not something looked upon lightly by the CL community). Oh! Let me add it -Try to keep your posts as short as possible, with as much information as you can get in. Use spaces, that breaks up the length of your post There! Feel free to add, my fellow crack addictsand to the newcomers, happy reading, and welcome to the family!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: NoVA/DC/MD <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-16T20:41:35-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/398884133.html CL Lingo: A self-help guide for the newbies text looking for political savy man - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/397059165.html Hello men! I am moving to DC to attend Georgetown later this month. I am very interested in politics and Id love to meet some men who could show me around town and help get me into the political network. I may be young, but I know what I want. and I want to get into politics. So teach me. Ill make it more than worth your while. Im willing to do anything it takes to succeed. Send me a pic. let me know who you are and how you can introduce me to the political world. And we will go from there. <img src=397059165.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Georgetown <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-14T17:03:33-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/397059165.html looking for political savy man - w4m text pregnant doctor lady who looked at my blister - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388723055.html You were doctor who looked at the blister on my foot. You're pregnant with another man's baby. I would raise it as my own. I love you. My girlfriend will not be happy about this but she is out of town.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: AU <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-03T18:01:16-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388723055.html pregnant doctor lady who looked at my blister - m4w text Why We Stop Calling You- the Truth, For the LADIES http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388084178.html I am female- I have been dumped for not giving it up "soon enough" and for giving it up "too soon". Somehow, the blame for the dissolution of the dating relationship always landed in my lap (no pun intended). It got so bad that I became super neurotic and paranoid, to the point where I was trying to pin point the exact second I could be intimate with a guy in any way and whatever resulted from that (him dumping me?) wouldn't be ALL my fault. I was actually frightened to have sex!! My best advice for Ladies is just to do what you feel, any MATURE man that is really into you, wouldn't run away suddenly because you have fucked! They were butt ass naked too, and NOBODY is judging them! We have to stop accepting that BULLSHIT reason for dumping someone. He stopped calling because he was "not that into you" from the beginning, and he was just showering you with false affection and attention in an attempt to get you to sleep with him-(read he was PLAYING/Tricking you). It wasn't like he was like "Oh I thought we could have a great relationhip but now that we've had great sex, I don't see that happening" - Get the Fuck outta here! She gave it up too soon" and "she didn't give it up so i cheated" are just ways of shifting the blame onto the woman, so he dosen't have to admit to himself and the world what the REAL issue was and how much of a cowardly, childish crackhead he is. Don't completely believe that evolutionary "we need the chase" crap. It is true ONLY to a certain extent, as if you wait "too long" to give it up, these same men will use it as a justification to dump or cheat on you! Ladies, The fact is, this type of "man" just has Relationship A.D.D. because they simply get bored too easily and tend to be SELFISH (incapable of thinking about anyone's wants/feelings but their own)- this is the type of man who would get bored with Halle Berry if given enough time. The minute this type of man is not kept constantly stimulated like a hyper two-year old, they want to blame someone else so they don't have to feel bad about running to stick their dick elsewhere. "She gave it up too soon" sounds a hell of a lot better to them to say than"I was just using her/ playing with her". Seriously, why would anyone who really liked you suddenly dump you beacuse you fucked?! This IS like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, it's stupid, like judging someone else for getting high when you were right there with them getting high too! If a guy can be such a dickhead and dump you for a BS double standard reason like that, then be GLAD they didn't stick around! If you stay with that guy you will endure a lifetime of a relationship with a person who will never take ANY responsibility for anything in the relationship and thus would not make a suitable partner anyway. I have talked to many a male who, when I asked them if they would dump a woman if she had sex too soon either laughed or gave me a perplexed face and said "WHY would I dump the girl if I liked her just cause we fucked? That dosen't make sense". Now I am happily engaged to a wonderful man, and am so glad to be off the dating scene. I remember how I had previously spent so much time fretting over "oh my God he's going to dump me after we have sex? Should I wait 7 months..." "how long should I wait to be on the safe side" and on and on. LOL after our first time I still was expecting him to suddenly grow cold on me or dissappear, but he didn't. Why? Because: 1. He wasn't on some committment phobic BS 2. He was genuinely interested in me, and not just saying nice things to fuck me 3. He was relationship minded. He was in it for more than just some pussy. 4. He was a mature, level headed guy NOT into playing games My advice is only to wait so that you can make sure that the guy you are dating is a MAN and not a childish boy (and there are PLENTY of Wolves in sheeps clothes!) who would sleep with you and toss you out. If you're SURE hes not a game player or a FLAKE (the ones that say "I love you" and other things prematurely as a "log in" to your pants) and you feel comfortable being intimate, do what comes naturally, and don't feel guilty about it! Do not deny yourself sleeping with him on the principle ALONE that you have to wait "this many months". If a guy really likes you, he will be with you whether you fuck or don't. If his behavior DOES change after sex then do not blame yourself, 9 x out of 10 it has more to do with him than you!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Relationship A.D.D. - long <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-02T22:12:58-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388084178.html Why We Stop Calling You- the Truth, For the LADIES text Some notes on talking dirty http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/370336976.html With nearly a decade of varied sexual experience with a modest number of partners Ive determined myself uncomfortable with a certain manner of coital conversing. Because I recognize that I will encounter more dirty talkers in my future sexual endeavors- because they mask themselves as intelligent men with impressive, or at least inoffensive, vocabularies- I can only hope to raise some awareness regarding appropriate conduct for the dirty talker in the budding sexual relationship. So fellas, please keep reading to ensure that we can come to a compromise in which you can run your filthy mouth without causing my vagina to clench up in sheer disgust. 1. Start out easy. Weve never done this before. Im not going to venture into terribly adventurous behavior on our first romp, I figure if things continue to go well, well get to that later. Dont bust out with how your dick wants to fuck my moist pussy when all Ive said since the removal of my underpants is that feels nice. Take her easy, friend, Rome wasnt built in a day. 2. Im going to get more comfortable with this as we go, because I realize you like it and Im in this as much to please you as in pursuit of my own orgasm. But please dont use any noun to refer to my anatomy that I dont use first. I get to set the rules on what we call the vagina, because shes mine and I have some respect for her. Ill do the same for you- we can call your penis by any name you express appreciation for. There are lots of words out there I like to use for my vagina. There are a few that my vagina and I dont like and dont use and we dont want to have sex with people who use them. Follow my lead, were going to build a colorful vocabulary. 3. Use this dirty talk all you want to make declarative statements and describe your fantasies, but please resist the urge to ask self-indulgent questions. Do you like my cock? is perhaps the most insecure and unsexy thing to throw in between the sheets. Im probably going to let you know via moans, groans and declarative statements how I feel about your penis. At the moment that you ask, there is a chance Im actually considering your penis. Perhaps Im comparing it to others in the past, or thinking about how its larger/smaller/thicker than I expected. I also might be thinking about the surprisingly high quality of your bedding or the balance in my bank account. The fact is, Im going to tell you how I feel about your penis when I want to, and when you ask me outright if I love your cock, Im going to eek out a yes that I may or may not mean and resent the interruption. And, for the record, if this is not the first time weve fucked, I probably like your penis just fine, have no significant complaints, and find your fishing for compliments pathetic. 4. When the deed is done, acknowledge that our dirty dialog occurred. You cant get up, hop in the shower, and drift off to sleep without recognizing that youve just disclosed your kinky little preference to me. I was there, I noticed, I participated, if you want me to increase my participation next time, now is the time to say I like to talk dirty while we fuck. Then I can make a joke, tell you it kind of turned me on, and we can go to sleep in relative comfort. I leave you to figure the rest out on your own, boys. Itll be fine, the quietest conquest can buzz with your brand of naughty sweet nothings if you stop to consider what you sound like in your lady friends ears. Were girls, we want to pretend you respect us for the twenty minutes youre thrusting into us. That doesnt mean we cant talk for a while about cocks and cunts fucking, it just means theres got to be a little more thought put into how talking dirty is deployed. And Im on to you, CL community- please, no pictures, solicitations, propositions or erotica in my inbox. Thanks.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The corner of awkward and amusing <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-09T21:27:13-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/370336976.html Some notes on talking dirty text Stegosaurus Sofa http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/366382199.html Our friend the stegosaurus is extinct, or presumed so. Yet his legacy lives on in this formal settee designed to mimic his spiny defensive plates. If this couch were attacked by one of your other furnishings it could turn sharply and shred the opponent, that is if you picked it up yourself. And you could; it's built for the eons but is nonetheless light enough for one person to pivot for a party. And like the dinosaur, its skin is an elegant blend of mauve, slate blue and dusty rose on an antique white. Plus a solid pine wood trim, stained to a cherry chocolate. Unlike the original stegosaur, which frolicked in mud, this fine loveseat is spotless and stain-protected. Dimensions are 53.5 inches wide by 24 inches deep, and the set includes two overstuffed pillows which feel all the more plush once you crack your elbow on that spiny crest. Your stegosaurus sofa can serve as a hallway piece, or as a couch for the living room, or paired with a long table for dining. Cash only, please. One block from the Ballston Metro in Arlington, convenient to I-66. The piece will fit neatly inside most SUVs, to honor the fossil fuels made from its fellows. Or it can be tied with ropes in the trunk of a large sedan and is remarkably aerodynamic.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Arlington <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-04T11:24:44-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/366382199.html Stegosaurus Sofa text Your Life is Imperfect, and It's All My Fault http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/365924208.html As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But Ive failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me. You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I havent placed you in your first choice hotel. It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish Id made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And thats reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America. I know your new computers ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish Id spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules. And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, thats my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in teh 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, plug and play. I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service. And lets not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day. So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The reception desk <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-03T16:07:54-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/365924208.html Your Life is Imperfect, and It's All My Fault text Can I See Your ID? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/341815502.html I am a doorman at a neighborhood bar. This is not a high-security establishment. There are no earpieces or metal detectors. Just me, a bar stool, and my crossword puzzle. It's my job to sit here for 10 hours straight and make sure that everyone in here has an ID and that it isn't expired. The pay sucks and it's boring as hell but hey I'm getting paid to do crossword puzzles and I now get the hookup whenever I come here. If you've never done it before, here are some things you might not know about how to interact with guys like me... It's not up to me. That's the biggest A number 1 thing you need to keep in mind. I hate the whole ID thing just as much as you do. It's stupid and Orwellian and total overkill. I believe that anyone reasonably 21 looking should be able to get a beer no questions asked and no hassle. But this is America, and I don't think we ever really got over prohibition. You have MADD and the "think of the children" brigade to thank for the police state conditions at your favorite watering hole. The teetotallers keep crying that it needs to be harder for kids to get alcohol, and the fines keep going up, and the bars keep getting more paranoid. We hear horror stories of ABC coming into a bar and carding everyone inside, then when someone doesn't have it, the bar gets shut down, fined tens of thousands of dollars, and the entire staff goes to jail for the weekend. It is fucking ridiculous but unfortunately it's what we have hanging over our heads, so no I can't let you in even though you're bald, even though your expired license still has your birthday, even though you have to go back so far to get it, even though you just got your wallet stolen, even though it's risky to carry your passport, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. If it were up to me I would, but it isn't, so please don't keep arguing with me. You could talk to the manager but he'll just tell you the same thing, and I can't leave my post to go get him anyway. This all goes triple for you, Mr. Lawschool. No I can't quote the DC alcohol laws from memory, all I know is that they're designed to instill a culture of fear in barstaff across the city and they're working. If you're such a fucking hotshot why don't you go argue with the alcohol control board and help us all out. So yeah it sucks but there's nothing any of us can do about it. Just get used to it. Have your ID. Have it out. Show it to me. Go drink. I know you're 25 and your job sucks and you feel old and you're so sick of getting carded, but it's happening. Buck up, kiddo: You're still young. Maybe you're 40 and it really is ridiculous I'm carding you. I think so too. A more accurate statement is it's ridiculous the city is making the bar make me card you. Sorry. Just let me see it and don't be an asshole about it. And don't quiz me on it to try to prove I didn't really look. I don't memorize shit, and I don't do the math. I look for a number below 1986, a number above 2007, and match the photo. Nice and efficient. You've succeeded in proving only that you are a prick. It's not up to me. Remember that and you and I are going to get along 1000% better. After that there's really just a couple pet peeves that I'd like to ask you to work on... Don't count on being a regular. You used to come here all the time. You totally know the owner, what's his name, Dave. Where's the usual door guy? He got fired, and unfortunately for you this high-turnover position doesn't come with a list of regulars and their head shots. If you come here so much it shouldn't be so hard to figure out when a doorman is new. You should have your ID anyway. Show it to me, and if you're so proud of being a regular, introduce yourself, but don't be surprised if it takes a few times to really remember. Again if you're such a barfly you should understand that by now. Don't tell me where the fucking birthdate is. Even with an ID from a state I don't see too often, I've probably already found it and I'm looking for the expiration date, or I'm double checking something that looks odd to me. I'm not an idiot and you'll get your beer in a second. Chill the fuck out. Don't try to be funny. Every ten minutes, some idiot makes the "oh don't let my friend in she has a fake" joke as if I've never heard it before. I usually joke back "you know this is like the airport, I have to take that seriously." Eventually I'm going to just go ahead and not let your friend in. Consider yourself warned. ...and not funny. I don't remember you. I see hundreds of faces every night. Each for only a couple seconds. If you come outside for a smoke or a phone call, don't breeze past me and then be shocked when I ask to see your ID again, especially if you left it inside. Simple solution: just be a good sport and show it to me again. If that's really such a big deal to you, a simple "hey I left my ID inside and I'm stepping out for a second" as you come out the door is usually all it takes to actually get you remembered. Don't ask me what it's like inside. I'm out here too, buddy. Your guess is as good as mine. Please use discretion when trying to make smalltalk with me. I'm stuck here. Depending on my mood and my first impression of you, some smalltalk from a stray smokebreaker is either a welcome distraction or a major annoyance. Like most social interactions, you're gonna have to read between the lines and figure out what's appropriate. If I put down my book/crossword puzzle/gameboy/whatever and engage the conversation, you're in. If I keep giving you one word answers and going back to whatever I was doing, go bother someone else. Also, if I'm obviously injured, please don't ask what I did to my arm. I'm already sick of telling my friends the same story. I definitely don't want to repeat it for hundreds of strangers. And don't you dare try to help with my crossword unless you're cute and you're trying to sleep with me. Cheers.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: the door <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-31T06:54:26-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/341815502.html Can I See Your ID? text To the Doms of DC - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/329801369.html Gentlemen, In the nine months I have lived in DC I have met and corresponded with a number of you, and frankly I am a little disappointed with the men in this area who call themselves Doms. I find it hard to believe that in a city based on the power of politics that at least a few of you cant step up to the plate and get the whole BDSM thing right. Since you all seem to be having a difficult time with this I thought I would give you a few guidelines to make your search for your own submissive princess more successful. I am only giving you this input out of love, no one wants to see you succeed more than I do dear, so please read carefully. #1) A submissive is not a doormat. Dont expect me to do whatever you say when we are not in the bedroom. No I wont clean up your apartment, no I wont wake up at three am to fuck you, and no I will not leave work early because you cant just jack off like everyone else does. Listen, I am totally turned on when you order me around in the bedroom, its totally hot. However, it is annoying in my vanilla life, I am just as busy as you are, so lay off. If I wanted that kind of subservience I would move to Saudi Arabia. #2) Sending me an email saying youre a Dom, doesnt make you my Master. Seriously, if I sent you an email claiming I was a cardiologist would you let me give you an angioplasty? I am just as protective of my snatch as you are of heart. When I get an email from you immediately giving me an order to take down my ad, send you a nude picture, etc, I show it to my roommate and we laugh at what an asshole you are. My lack of reply should be an indication to you of how well this strategy works. Its even better when you send me a second even more demanding email. Christ dumb ass, its not working, try something else. Try slowing down, would it really kill you to have a cup of coffee to get to know me a little first. #3) No, your friend cannot watch or join us. I dont know your friend, and I dont want to fuck him. #4) NSA means NSA. I am not looking for a husband. If I were I would be married by now. If I meet you on Casual Encounters, it probably means I am not going to move in with you. Again, I have a life too. Having said that, if you would like to see me again, just ask. I might say yes if the sex was fun. Dont send me creepy emails asking how Im doing and dont drive by my house seeing if Im home. This kind of behavior makes me think I should call the sheriff to see if your address has been updated in the offender registry. Oh, and Brian, stop sending me text messages. You were a lousy lay, and you cell phone has a virus, which fucks up my phone every time you send me one of your inane messages. Go the fuck away. #5) Dont expect me to suck your cock without any reciprocation. No fun for my pussy means no second date for you, period. Submissives like oral sex too. Dont get me wrong, I love sucking cock, but it is not enough to keep me interested in you for more than twenty minutes. Additionally, if I have sucked your cock for half an hour and you still refuse to cum I am throwing you out of my apartment. I dont care if you still have a raging boner, my gay neighbor will get to enjoy watching you struggle to unlock your car with a hard on. #6) Seriously, your friend cannot watch. #7) Yes, we have to meet in public the first time. Also, no I wont come to your apartment, never having met you and put on a blindfold without seeing you first. I also will not get into your car with you and let you drive me some place Ive never been before. Safety clown says those are bad ideas. I like being tied up and fucked. I do not like being tied up, fucked, injected with drain cleaner, and strangled. I dont know you, and you havent gained my trust. And yes, I want your real name, address, and phone number. I will give it to my roommate so he can check up on me if I dont come home in time. This is common sense, and if you are a real Dom you will always put our safety first. If you dont want to tell me your name you are hiding something and I dont want to deal with you. #8) Married guys, get fucking lost. Cheating on your wife leads me to believe you are a despicable piece of shit, dont email me. Put a little effort into your marriage or get divorced asshat. #9) Under no circumstances will I do the We/we, D/s bullshit while we IM. I/it I/is I/inane. #10) Enough pictures of your cocks already! Again, I just show these to my roommate for our amusement (and hes a queer). Bonus points to all you gentlemen who send me a penis pic when you have a really small cock. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. #11) Again, your friend cannot watch. Who is that guy anyway? Wasnt he in Deliverance? #12) You may not call me bitch, slut, or whore outside the bedroom. If you do, dont be surprised if I go nuclear on your ass. I have a name, use it. If not I might be forced to refer to you as daddy in public. #13) If you dont respect and like women, dont email me. If you hate women and want a blowjob, I can hook you up with my gay roommate. #14) If I spend two hours getting ready for our playdate I expect you to put a little effort in to getting ready as well. At least shower, no one likes that musty ball smell. Listen, I am a nice, smart woman who just happens to like a little spanking and bondage. I am sure most of you are nice men who like the same things. Im sure we can work this out. Post these guidelines by your computer before you answer the next ad and Im sure it will work out for you. Happy hunting you naughty bastard.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Chained to the Bed <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-12T22:06:43-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/329801369.html To the Doms of DC - w4m text I am your professor. And unlike that other guy, I respect you. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/328561120.html I am your professor. And unlike that other guy, I respect you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I teach you a physical science course that you need to graduate. I know its hard. I know that some of you will give it your best shot, and others wont. But I truly believe that all of you are capable of this. And as a result, you do learn. A lot. And thats kudos to you. Who am I? I am the chubby middle-aged white chick that teaches you your lab science. Or, as some of you told me straight up because I asked: "its that one last class that Ive put off forever but gotta have to graduate." Granted, you might not think you need this class to own your own business, to raise your kids, or to manage an office. But the quiet secret of a lot of college courses is that theres always something you can take away from it thats good if you do your bit and I do mine. My business is to teach you science, and the real point of that is to help you to learn how to think. How to write. How to ask good questions and demand straight answers. Ten years from now you may not remember the difference between a reverse fault and a normal fault, but youll know how to find out. Like that other guy, I too would like to pass on some tips, and to vent a little bit too. (But in a different way.) First rule- Lets be respectful to each other. Actually, this is the only rule because everything else proceeds from there. I think most of you get that. In fact, my experience is that its only a rare few of you that dont understand and value that. Who am I to know this? I grew up so far below the poverty line that education was my only ticket out. It worked -- I have a doctorate from one of the best universities in the US, and Ive been teaching evenings while holding a full-time day job for several decades, just because I love to do it. But that alone should not impress you -- what ought to matter to you is whether I know my stuff, and can convey it to you in ways you can get. And having been there, I do know how hard it is to get material in class when youve already put in a full day at work. And when your kid is sick. Or when its just plain gorgeous outdoors and youd rather be there than here in my class. I get that. And I think for the most part, you get that about me. Second rule- Be respectful to your classmates. This one is a truth, and you know I expect it of you. Im not the berating type, or the insulting type, but you have all seen me stop lecturing, look to the back of the room, and ask the chatterers to take it outside please. I dont have to rant or raise my voice; your peer pressure and my quiet request have always been enough to keep the class on track. Thank you for that. Third rule- Be on time, but know that I understand about life. Some of you drive 45 miles each way in heavy traffic to get to my class. I know this. I myself drive 25 miles each way. I know that traffic around here is hideous and that life contains unreasonable bosses who hit you with stuff right at quitting time, bad weather, and fender benders on I-66. I dont want you to risk life and limb to get here! You know that I will start at 7:30 on the dot to be fair to those who do get there on time, but Im not going to dump on you if you occasionally arrive late. All I ask is that if you truly have to be late, just come in quietly. You know I want you there. Fourth rule- Do ask questions during class. Some of the best class discussions in my memories came of students asking a question that seemed to be coming from left field. But when asked why they asked it, there was a link, and it took the class in a new and good direction and we explored a connection to science and ...policy, child-raising, environmentalism, history, or any other number of cool things. Theres time for that. I build it in. I love the left field questions...they keep me honest and thinking hard, and they do the same for you. Now, all that said, you know and I know that I grade tough, and some of you arent sure how to handle this. You cant wheedle a grade out of me, or nag one out of me, but you can work for one and get the one you truly deserve. And you can ask for help outside of class and get it. And when you leave my class, you will know how to do this stuff, and whats even better, youll know that you know. Im old enough and have been teaching long enough to know that I dont know everything, and that you dont either and I dont expect you to. Some of you went to cruddy underperforming secondary schools; some of you dropped out for one reason or another, worked a while and are now trying to do better for yourself; some of you wasted your opportunities; some of you have learning disabilities, and some of you for whatever reason just dont think you can learn, and therefore, you cant learn. A very few of you are just trying to slide by, but the great majority of you are here, day in and day out, working hard and making real progress. Thats why Im here standing in front of this room instead of drinking a nice cognac at home. If you dont know it, its my job to teach it to you. And my advice to you when anyone ANYONE trots out that tired old nonsense about Americans being the worst educated -- smile politely and just walk away, permanently, because thats been a fashionable position for some Europeans to take for decades. Ive worked in Europe and Africa myself and Ive heard it plenty of times. But guess what --It wasnt true in the 1970s, 80s or 90s (I was there) and it isnt true now. And whats more, its rude. Just. Plain. RUDE. And also ignorant. Broad statements like that, that bin an entire nation into one supposedly-illiterate pool, serve only one purpose: to aggrandize the person saying it. At the beginning of the semester, as you my students know, I dont assess you to find out what you know and dont know. I give you a survey to ask what you are interested in, what aspects of the science intrigue you, what your expectations are, and for the opportunity to tell me anything else you think I ought to know. The answers you give me are like gold to me. Some are flip, some profane, some naive, and some reveal that youre scared, unconfident, tired, sick or angry. Sometimes you do tell me about a subject youre interested in, or a question you need an answer to. Do you know how I use those? I use them to get to know you. I use them to get an idea how you think. I use them to tailor my lectures each semester so that ideas have a chance to grab you by the throat and spark your imagination. I dont care that you dont know stuff going in thats a given! Thats why youre here with me! Its what you know when you leave that matters. And for some reason, most of you come back to me for second semester...even if you got a D! The dirty little secret about teaching, especially as an adjunct (which is what a lot of us who teach evenings are) is that it pays...dirt. When you count the hours spent preparing, lecturing, writing, grading labs and papers, Id make way more dollars flipping burgers than I do for a semester of teaching. So obviously thats not why I do it...and Ive been doing it for several decades now. I think you can figure out the answer. Yeah, Im addicted to the Aha moment when weve been struggling together on something difficult and all of a sudden the light bulb comes on for you. And when you ask me to write you a letter of recommendation because youre going on to a 4-year school to study...my subject? OMG, I walk on air for months. Why does a true teacher teach? Because of the students. Not because of the pay. Not because of the prestige, such as it is. Its because of the students. Teaching doesnt depress me; it energizes me. You students keep me in touch with whats real. You each are the tip of the iceberg all that potential and a lot of life ahead. Thats the point of having a lot more growing to do. And I get to be a little part of shaping it. You are the future generation, yes, and I am psyched about that. So thanks, all you students whove come through my classes. I think the world of you. And thats my RAVE.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Arlington <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-10T22:31:59-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/328561120.html I am your professor. And unlike that other guy, I respect you. text Ask a silly question http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/323692159.html I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: crackedmeupville <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-03T14:34:41-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/323692159.html Ask a silly question text To My Girlfriend's Dogs When Staying at My Place http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/305612592.html First off, I'd like to say that I really do like both of you a lot. Male dog, you are very cute and many people still mistake you for a puppy, even at your healthy age of seven years. Female dog, you too are quite attractive, although I understand your frustration when your little brother gets more attention. Generally, you are both very well trained and have great personalities. That being said, we need to talk about some of your behavior when your mother leaves town and you stay here at my apartment. Please stop pulling as hard as you possibly can every where we go. You stay here very rarely and you have absolutely no idea where I am about to walk you. Half the time you try to pull me down the wrong hallway on the way to the elevator. I understand that you simply cannot wait to get the smell of other dogs' urine and feces in your nostrils, but please let me be the brains of this operation. I promise your olfactory glands will not be disappointed. Along that vein, please try to go more than five feet before you stop to smell something. I'm sure another dogs' excrement must smell fantastic on a bush, but it's called a "walk" for a reason. I want you to be able to get some exercise while you're here, but I didn't sign up for 45 minutes of stop-and-go traffic at 11:45 at night. Furthermore, please attempt to understand the limitations of your leash, as it is the same one you use when you're at home. If you can't get up the tree to chase a squirrel there and have given up trying to do so, you can't do it here either. There's no use trying to pull my arms from their sockets attempting it. To the male one, when we are outside at night, there are no Delta Force soldiers waiting behind bushes to attack you if you stop to poop. You don't need to keep your head on a constant swivel and dart all over the damn place. Please focus on the task at hand and just poop. If I take you for a decent walk late at night and for whatever reason you don't poop, I will assume that you do not need to poop. Do not look plaintively up at me once we are eleven stories from outside and expect me to take you back down because you didn't go on your first try. You had multiple chances. Hold it. Also, please stop prancing everywhere. It is painfully obvious that you were raised by a women. When you prance around on our walks, people automatically assume that woman is me. I don't like that. To the female one, please stop eating other dogs' poop. It turns my stomach and I look like a jerk when I have to berate you in public. I promise that once we are back upstairs, I will feed you the same high-end dog food and treats your mom feeds you. There is absolutely no need to eat that funky-ass trail mix. I know Iams probably doesn't taste as good as the lower priced chow, but it has to be better than anything that has passed through the digestive tract of another living creature. And please understand if I don't want you to lick me...ever. That's about it. Please try to follow these helpful suggestions in the future and enjoy the rest of your stay here.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Arlington <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-03T19:40:29-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/305612592.html To My Girlfriend's Dogs When Staying at My Place text Are you an A-HOLE customer? - Rant by a friendly cashier http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/298879012.html I work at a "big-box" store like Target or Wal*Mart. I am a cashier. This is a pretty low-pressure, non-demanding job (the kind I can call in sick to whenever I feel like), which is perfect for me, a college student, at the moment. My co-workers (team members) are pretty much all decent enough and I get along with them just fine most of the time. The only factor that occasionally makes me hate the job is YOU. Yes, asshole customers, you come in several varieties, but you are all very much the same. --The Bitch This is an umbrella term for a diverse array of predominantly female asshole customers. The Standard Bitch isn't trying to piss me off, it just comes naturally. It's a tone of voice, a look, or a non-response to my standard friendly greeting that makes you an asshole customer. I'm paid to ring up your shit, not deal with your attitude. The College Bitch is generally a more ditzy kind of whore, one who is always friendly to the cashier, but displays her bitchiness in her conversation with others. A common College Bitch scenario: "Oh I'm fine, thanks." She turns to her friend, "So, is daddy going to pay for this stuff or is it going to be mommy this time?" This is always said with a sly smile on the face and a fistful of credit cards in the hand. The College Bitch is mostly a bitch because I HAVE TO WORK IN ORDER TO GO TO SCHOOL. Do you really need another pair of novelty-sized sunglasses, Paris? Do us all a favor and get on the pole already. We'd rather see you there now when your tits are still perky than later when you're saggy and your parents have cut off your stupid ass. --The Kid with His Own Money Jesus Hulkamaniac Christ, parents! Stop giving your kids money to give to me. I understand that little Timmy has to learn how to deal with money eventually, but please lets not play this little game in a busy store like mine. My job is to ring up your shit and get you out the door so I can ring up the next asshole and get HIM out the door. I don't want to wait for five fuckin' minutes while your snot-nosed little bastard tries to figure out that he needs to give me FOUR dollars when something is $3.95. I will not baby-talk your kid or help them in any way, and if you give me a nasty look because of that, I'll remember it and secretly break your shit next time I'm baggin for you. --The Confused Foreigner If you don't know how our money works in this country, what are you doing shopping by yourself? Every time I have to pick the correct change out of the pile in your quivering palm because you forgot that the little silver ones are 10 cents and the big ones are 25, I'm going to accidentally ring up something twice. The red bar is used to indicate separate transactions, by the way. Use it. Do not tell me that your Enfamil and Pedialyte were supposed to be on a different credit card as I am handing you the receipt for them. Oh, and your items cost a couple dollars more than the tag said because of a little thing called sales tax. Dumbass. --The Liar "The sign said it was $12.99 or something, not $24.99!" Bullshit. I used to let you slide if your lie seemed reasonable or was within about $5 of the actual price, but I'm done with that now. If you don't want to pay full price, leave it on the shelf. And don't raise your fucking voice like I'M the mother fucker that sets the prices. I just ring the shit up. Your other favorite lie is "The sign said 50% off." When I inform you that ALL of our clearance items have a sticker clearly stating the clearance price including all markdowns, you panic or get angry and thrust the item at me, saying that you don't want it in that case. --The Indecisive Shopper You are usually also a Bitch, and decide at the last moment that you don't want half of the shit in your shopping cart! "I changed my mind on these, I'm going to wait on this, I don't want these any more, I meant to put this back." Fuck you. If you don't really want it, don't bring it to me! "How much is that? Really? Well I don't want it." Who puts things in the cart without looking at the price? Who waits until they are at the POINT OF SALE to see how much a thing is? Give me a break! --The Slow Mother Fucker I can see you coming a mile away. You're old, or young, or foreign, or just plain fucking retarded and can't seem to figure out how this whole shopping dealie works out. You generally wait until I tell you the total to pull out your wallet or purse, then have a lengthy internal dialogue with yourself about which method of payment might be best to use at this particular time. Once you have decided, you write a check or try to insert your card upside-down into the reader for about 3 minutes. After I finally get your payment passed through and hand you the receipt, it takes you a good 5 minutes to gather up your bags and finally leave the fucking register. I would like to break your legs. At least then you'd have a reason to be so damn slow. --The Clearance Shopper Everything you buy is on clearance. Does your family know? Do you really need 15 plastic napkin rings for $.12 a piece? --The Buddy You always talk to me about how long I've been here, when my next break is, when I'm leaving, what it's like working here, etc. You tell me you used to work in retail so you know how it can be, all sympathetic-like. You annoy me and I'm going to accidentally drop your things onto the dirty floor. --The Cell Phone Talker You refuse to call the person back in two minutes when we're through. You insist on screaming into the phone or, worse, laughing the entire time I'm dealing with you. Hang up for a sec, okay? You can tell Roscoe P. Fuckwater about your sexual escapades when you see him at the AA meeting next week. The fact that you are distracted by conversation means that you won't notice the double charges I accidentally on purpose made while ringing up your shit, though. So it's not all bad, I guess. --The Church Fuck Nothing is worse than when churchy-types try and push their beliefs on you, except maybe when you are required by your job to be friendly to them. Generally you, a Church Fuck, will wait until I have handed you the receipt to give me two pieces of paper and tell me "I want to invite you to come to this function we're having.." This caught me off gaurd the first couple of times it happened. I've gotten used to you old hags now though, and have since formulated the following response to your invitation: As I am tearing the paper in half and discarding it, I shall state "No thank you, Ma'am, I do not believe in your god." I will then turn to the next customer and remark about how batshit nutty you must be to try and convert me while I'm on the god damn (pardon the pun) clock. If you come back and try your shit again, I'll have you removed from the building for soliciting. --The Last Minute Shopper You run into the store five minutes before closing time and grab a shopping cart! You need a ton of shit and need it TONIGHT! You can't wait until tomorrow morning because you have to stock up on pop-tarts and deodorant NOW. You make me stay in the store long after closing time, and I secrectly openly wish that you die in a car wreck on the way home. You also invariably have a problem with payment. Either you don't have your credit card or don't have your ID or need to take shit off the order so your cash will cover it.. it's never just a smooth transaction! And you never realize that you're unprepared until I have spent 10 minutes ringing up all of your shit. That's ten minutes that you're keeping me away from my house, my girlfriend, and my bed. You don't know it, and obviously don't care, but I gotta still DO SHIT after the store closes, and you're holding me up! Die already! --The Clothing Asshole You buy a shitload of clothing and refuse to put it on the conveyor belt, saying that it's too dirty. You want the hangars on, but want the clothes folded. You bitch at me about needing to wear them and not wanting wrinkles. Guess what, cheap-ass? You're supposed to fucking wash clothes before you wear them. This means a trip to the dry cleaner for your business attire to have it pressed, or a 15-minute wash cycle when you get home. Stop being a lazy prick and just fucking deal with it. This isn't Banana Republic. I'm not paid to fold your shit, just to ring it up, throw it in a bag, and take your money. So there you have it, a brief look into what we, the people that ring up your shit, must deal with every day. Please do not be an asshole customer. I really don't want to charge you twice.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Fairfax County <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-23T01:29:48-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/298879012.html Are you an A-HOLE customer? - Rant by a friendly cashier text Ways to not write a resume. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/291196665.html Don't be offended if you see yourself in here, but please do get some professional help. There are people who will do this for you, and you clearly need their assistance. --- Cover letters are not optional, people. No, I didn't ask for one. You know why? Because they're the default. At the very least, write a paragraph in your e-mail to me so I can see that you aren't a monkey accidentally forwarding your owner's resume. ---- Objectives are stupid. Clearly, your objective is to land the job, or else you wouldn't be applying. But if you have listened to the idiots who've written books about its necessity (notice they work for themselves, and haven't been hired anywhere in a while), at least keep it short, sweet, and related to the actual job for which you're applying as opposed to the generic tripe that has come through my desk the past four hours. Such as: "Objective: To obtain a secretarial/receptionist position where I can utilize my skills in customer service while demonstrating a customer first attitude yet utilizing my wide variety of administrative skills by pushing and advancing the office entirely by giving organization and any assistance as needed all still while gaining any and all available knowledge within the office environment" First of all, the position isn't for that of a receptionist or secretary; read the posting. You're already down two points. Second of all, if you're going to throw buzzwords like "utilize" about willy-nilly, at least don't do it twice in the same sentence. Next, make sense. "...by pushing and advancing the office entirely by giving organization and any assistance as needed..."? Seriously? Is that supposed to make sense or be in English? Lastly, utilize the comma. I'd rather you overuse this little friend of ours than underuse him, especially if you're going to make a huge-ass paragraph only one sentence. "Objective: To work my hardest to achieve goals in the near future." *insert buzzer sound here* I'm not even reading the rest of that resume. "Objective: To obtain full-time or part-time permanent employment with a stable business." Very tailored to our company. I hear McDonald's is hiring, too. "Objective: To obtain a position in a company that will best utilize my skills in data analysis and information technology, as well as expand my knowledge of National Disclosure Policy; a position that challenges my abilities and allows for opportunities to grow with the company." Points for the correct use of a semicolon, but if I don't even know what a national disclosure policy is, then my company isn't going to be able to help you expand your knowledge of it. Also, we're not an IT company, nor are you applying for an IT position, so tailor that down for me, will you? Stick it in the skills section. (More on those moronic lists shortly.) "Objective: To gain the proper skills and knowledge to run a professional business." Do we look like an MBA program? And if you want to run a business, why are you applying for part time assistant positions? How about applying to be an assistant manager somewhere? ---- I don't care if you were king of the chess team. How often does it need to be said that if you've gone to college, I don't want to know about your high school? Especially if it was over ten years ago, folks. "2001-2003 B.A., Strayer University". This may just be me, but even at a pay-for-your-degree school, how do you achieve a B.A. in just two years? And what is it supposedly in? There's no field of study listed. "Xxxxxx University, Bachelor of Science, Sports Management. GPA: 3.12." A B.S. in Sports Management (snicker) and you still only had a 3.12 GPA? You're taking phys ed for college credit. The least you can do is get more As than Bs. ---- That pesky attention to detail. When I specify that I need someone with attention to detail, that means lots of misspellings and non-words like "a maculate list" are not going to gain you any points. An immaculate list, perhaps? "...your posting on Craigslist.com." It's actually craigslist.org. "During this time I am searching for employment within a company that can help me earn hours and experience within a school setting and to also help build my administrative skills further. I am currently seeking salary in the range of 25k-35k and 40 hours a week." We specified $10-15 for 20 hours a week. Oh, and we're not a school. Kthxbye. "Period [of employment] 9/15/04 - 3/28/06. Reason for Leaving: Other Job opportunity" Yet, that job opportunity isn't listed on his resume. Hmm. "In response to your advertised position, Advertising Rep, please find attached a copy of my resume." While I appreciate the effort that went into changing his subject line to "Memeber Asssistant," you first gotta spell things correctly and then follow that all the way through, buddy. Also, titling your resume as "August 2006" isn't getting me all warm and fuzzy, either. I'm glad you've been unable to update your resume for eight months. "[Singular Company Name]s" and "Members Care" from the same person. Shes likes addings the Ss, nos? "I am a Professional who leverages 10+ years of Executive assistance..." You'd think she'd know when to capitalize and not capitalize words, then. "Trained employees to use OPTIX software in order to gather data on in coming and perspective students." Are perspective students like philosophy students? And since when is "incoming" two words? --- If you're claiming a skill, actually have it. For instance, when your skillset includes "filing/editing" but is followed by "Photo Shop" improperly spaced, that means you're not very good at the first one, and you probably don't use the second often enough to know how to spell it. Therefore, you're probably an exaggerator, meaning I can't trust anything else on your resume. Bye-bye. "Telephone Skills". What does that mean, that you can operate one? Good job. So can a three year old. If you mean one of those multi-line, complicated telephone *systems*, then yes, that is something to put on your resume -- if you were applying to be a receptionist in a busy office. You're not. "Office Procedures". What the hell does that mean? How is that a skill? When your resume looks like two boring run-on paragraphs and a list, all of which is centered on the page in the most rudimentary fashion, don't list "graphic design" as one of your skills. Please spare me. "Treat people with respect." Shouldn't that be a given? Also, why is that your third most-important skillset? Did you have to work very hard at it? ---- Stop throwing in complete bullshit just to make it sound fancy. The following is a list of why you should never throw words together if you don't know what they mean (the long-winded objective from above could also be put in this category). "My ability to learn quickly is a key essential." "My numerous areas of expertise and professional work related skills are highly superior in many office related skills." "Being so detailed and goal oriented provides me with the ability to have outstanding organizational skills which enthusiastically allows me to succeed well within all goals set." "My background and my education are the met qualifications in this job description." "Enclosed you will find my resume for your viewing and review purposes." "Assisted to directorate of Member Services..." "I am a very talented part-time college student..." (Do I want to know what you're talents are? Because this sounds like the start of a different sort of CL ad, the kind that end with "looking for a sugar daddy to help me pay for books.") "Enabling to multi-task with different projects in an amount of time." "Assisted to Customers needs and questions." "Having customers leave with a wonderful experience and quality insurance." (And no, he wasn't selling insurance, either.) "I am multi-tasked, organizer, knowledgeable of computers, fast skill learner, prompt, warm and friendly woman." (Hubbinawha?) "I saw your posting on Craig's List and was interested in the position if it is currently available." (No, we filled it within two hours of posting it. What kind of stupid question is that?) "I was responsible for scheduling performers from around the country to perform at my bi-monthly coffeehouses." ---- Other miscellaneous details "(301) xxx-xxxx (Phone)" Really? That's a phone number? I'd never have guessed. There is absolutely no reason that someone who